Your Music Horoscope

Your Music Horoscopes:


You are a traditionalist.  And really white.  You like mundane predictability that’s void of any complexity.  You vote Republican and are statistically more likely to name your children after southern states and landmarks. You’ve probably been seen out to dinner wearing a worn cutoff from a 1997 Monster truck rally. Average tasks like wearing jeans, driving trucks/tractors, drinking beer, and being outside excite you more than they should. If you’re thinking about getting some country lyric tattoos–and let’s be honest, of course you are– make sure it’s something so literal to the point of being on par with the average thought of a toddler, because you have no patience to choose between poetic or interesting things to permanently etch onto your skin. You just want to be reminded of that one summer night you got wasted and almost kissed your cousin.


You are constantly nostalgic for music and trends that reached their peak when you were 7. When you aren’t whining about how bad everything is compared to a decade ago, you’re probably in your garage learning redundant guitar chords or easy drum patterns so that you can brag about it later to everyone.  That band you’ve been in since freshman year of High School had real potential, but you all decided that making a career out of it would be too mainstream, so you settled for playing Xbox on your couch until a job comes along. The majority of your wardrobe is obscure band t-shirts and tight jeans, and your Myspace page back in the day put the emo in emotional. Girls swoon to you if they are just as into testicular constriction. Boys dig you if they are into overly complicated fan girls.

Dubstep/Electronic/ EDM

You are the hipster of the post-hipster generation. Your attention span is legend for being too short to be cured by even the strongest doses of aderol. You bounce around between tasks and relationships indecisively because you are never satisfied. You enjoy simplistic and bizarre things that humans under non drug induced states probably wouldn’t. You consider yourself a talented aspiring DJ, since not just anyone can construct your genre of choice alone in a basement with Windows Vista operating system.  Be sure to share countless over saturated music festival lineups on social media.

Metal/Acid/ satanic squealing

Your life just feels empty if someone isn’t filling your ears every nanosecond with blood curdling yelling. Your idea of a romantic evening includes punching and kicking strangers in a mosh pit until you are covered in every form of bodily fluid. You are rightly misunderstood by just about everyone, but you literally give no fucks. You are a nice person, no doubt. The world is just lucky that you have an outlet for possible violent and angry tendencies, because there’s a solid chance you’d be beating up brick walls with your face, the brain damage from which would make social interactions and job productivity impossible.


You are the *mainstream radio only* music listener. The things you buy in life are strictly based on whether a majority of people on the internet or around you enjoy them. You’re definitely one of those overly cheery people who everyone at work is nice to but secretly despises. You say “like” way to many times to justify competency in the English language. You obliviousness to non-mainstream culture means that you probably focus a lot on your career and/or family. This is great for the fact that you will be accomplishing a lot in your life; its bad because you are really boring. This works out alright because your friends are probably really boring. You probably are way too into talking about other peoples lives, and you regularly use all social media that has been invented to do that, including Myspace. You keep up on shows like “The Bachelor” or “Law and Order” because prime time shows are just too complicated. You’ve had your wedding planned out since you were 8. You are the epitome of American culture that foreign people hate us for.

Rap/Hip Hop

You are likely to blame your failed drug test for McDonalds on rap concerts where everyone tokes up. If you aren’t using the hashtag TurnDownForWhat at some point during your week, the world knows you aren’t the real deal. Your dedication to the genre is unquestionable if you’ve been sagging your pants since 2002. You’ve stealthily incorporated flat brims from cities you’ve never been to or from teams you’re not even a fan of.  You aren’t interested in the substance or quality of things so much as you are the general vibe and flow you get from them. As a professional frat boy, the things you seek to own are exclusively for use at your house parties. Dancing in your vocabulary is synonymous with orgies/alcohol poisoning/overdosing. When complaining about your life on social media, you’re probably noting how long it’s been since you got “turnt up” at a club, and if you aren’t talking about breaking your 13 day sober streak, you are sure to belittle everyone else who is out on a Saturday night.


There are only two types of people who listen to Classical music. There are the genuine appreciators that are likely over the age of 40. They enjoy professional symphony concerts and 6th grade band performances equally. Then there is the New Age person under the age of 40 that makes sure everyone knows how much they like Classical music, that they had their baby listen to it in the womb, and how much bigger their baby’s head is since listening to Mozart. These same people are also vegan 5 days a week, run 25 miles per day, and vote Independent because both political parties are just wrong. Find out if you are Classical person A or B by asking your friends how much of a drag you are to be around.


You’re one of those people who wear big black shades inside at all times. You’d like people to assume that this is because you are hiding your bloodshot eyes from a casual consumption of soft drugs so that they are all the more impressed when you perform basic tasks or put coherent thoughts together. You’re a bright enough kid, but you hope that discography of Charlie Parker you ripped off the web gives you the fine art appreciator aura that those tested geniuses have. You must be chill at all times of the day, and your genuine enjoyment of things must be concealed as much as possible to make sure there is no hint of lame on you.


Your lifestyle and tastes have never been and never will be replicated by any of your fellow-man kind. You have a general acceptance of all forms of culture and media. No one can alter your infinite perception of the world.

Other/Not mentioned

If you don’t fit into the contours of society’s most mainstream music, you are probably that grouchy guy who sits in the back of city council meetings complaining about all forms of government. To say you vote libertarian is inaccurate, because you don’t vote and you hate all forms of civic participation and politics, let alone that “sorry ass excuse for a community” you live in. You dislike people and animals, and neighbors of yours still struggle to figure out exactly what it is that you do for a living, or if you have any family or friends. While this might frighten many as a similar personality type to the Unabomber or a serial killer, a professional psychological exam would reveal that you’re too apathetic and lazy for all that nonsense.

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