As long as I can remember, there has been a war on Christmas. Usually it’s godless heathens with the nerve to say “Happy Holidays”, or some heretic excuse for an advertisement displaying “X-mas shopping” on my screen while I try and celebrate Jesus’s birth with a big screen TV bargain. But I think it will be universally accepted that the biggest threat to the real spirit of Christmas, Christianity, and humanity going forward is the pesky gay population.

Forget all that rubbish in the bible about helping the poor or treating others with compassion. Politicians are squabbling about how much to cut food stamps and welfare payments, when they should be reallocating these government handouts to a public service announcement campaign warning of the dangers of gay marriage and homosexuality.

And demagogues like Elton John, Rachel Maddow, and Ellen Degeneres do nothing but perpetuate the myth that gay people can lead normal lives. We need our children to look up to real American heroes like Ronald Reagan, Sylvester Stallone, The Hulk, and John C. Calhoun.

Most of our major policy problems also stem from the desire to treat gay people equally. If we can all just recognize that being gay is wrong, I’m of the firm belief that everything else will fall into place. The economy is more productive, environmental destruction lessens, Confidence in the housing market spikes, terrorism declines, etc. It’s Rick Santorum’s favorite game of dominoes.

Now I know what you’re thinking. This all makes sense, but how will homosexuality destroy Christmas? I’m glad you asked. Gay people do not produce natural offspring. If gay people convince other people to be gay, there will be a catastrophic population decline. Consumer spending during the Christmas shopping season will plummet, reducing the production needs for Santa and his elves. The elves will get bored and start a Marxist revolution in the North Pole, which Santa will go along with for a while until he realizes he no longer has the monopoly on cookie and milk supplies. A civil war will ensue, wreaking havoc on toy production and delivery for the foreseeable future. And since the holiday is all about it getting stuff, Christmas will be ruined.

And that, ladies and gentleman, is the scenario by which the gays destroy Christmas and America as we know it.